Wednesday, March 16, 2011

One moment in my life.

Here I am. Writing words. Sometimes they don't mean much, sometimes I drown in the meaning and get a little lost in the lack of supposed correct punctuation.

I hear them all the time in my head. They say things to me. Sometimes they even reply. I am not sure which words to listen to and which ones to write. Which are right? To be honest with myself can be dishonest to who I currently am.

I was walking down the street a few days ago staring up through the gaps in the leaves and beyond to the sun. It was beautiful but also burnt my eyes. The words in my head are sometimes like this.

I cross the road and look both ways, it's safe to cross and then some random comes flying around the corner and nearly knocks me off my feet in his beat up piece of shit. The words in my head are sometimes like that.

I sit in silence and stare into space doing nothing. Pushing myself to get things done but yet I am still, latent, bereft. The lack of, the emptiness, the missing, the longing. The words in my head sometimes do that.

I walk up to my son's Kindy. I wait for the door to open as they call each child's name for their parent to step forward. As he steps up and turns round to see who is picking him up, his smile knocks me off my feet in an explosion of infinite happiness. He bounds across the room charging through all in his way and wraps his arms around my legs almost cutting off the circulation yelling "DAAAAADDDYYYY!!!!". The thoughts of my family can only do that.

Yet I still sit in the almost darkness and sip on my nearing room temperature Southern and Coke pondering the meaning of these words and what they bring to me. What they mean. What they do to me. How they are seen.

Is it wise to be so open and honest in a world where every word is used against you to steal who you are? To use it against you. To take it all away.

It is possible that by throwing them out into cyberspace I am also throwing away the demons that some words bring? Does it bring me closer to me or does it disconnect me from it all?

Whatever the words in my head say, I like to write them down as they happen, as they leave my head and exit my body through my fingertips and onto the screen. This is how these words find you. This is the first draft, the last draft, the unfinished short story of one moment in my life. There could be mistakes, as there could be in my life. It could be perfect, as are some aspects of my life. There may need to be changes, as there needs to be in some places in my life. But these are the words that I give to you all on this night. May you use them, read them, discard them, leave them, as you need to and as you will.

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